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Saturday, April 22, 2017

[because the night belongs to lovers]

Two years ago, my last post had the subject of lyrics from an Ed Sheeran song. No one really knows this, but I love Ed Sheeran because of him.

I have lived in the city of London for over four months now. I moved across the world. I got the strength to do that because I believe my time is short. It's something I've felt my entire life - maybe it comes from a life of medical issues or being young when other young loved ones died. I don't believe living until 80+ years is guaranteed. I struggle to believe I will make it past 40. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. I distinctly remember the day I realised most people assume they will live into old age and I realised how strange it is that I have never felt that way.

Then the love of my life died at the age of 40 three years ago. He is the reason I am here, the reason I finally had the courage to do this thing. Despite my face, despite looking different, despite being alone. I don't have a husband, I've never had a long-term partner. But I've sat across from someone and listened to them talk about how they feel about the fact that they're dying and what they want for their funeral and have them tell me they haven't discussed this in these details with anyone. I don't know what is more true love than that. His experience of dying and his loss affects every aspect of my life (in a good way now for the most part) and I would not have it any other way. He is always with me.

I keep planning to start a whole new blog. I write all the time. I always have. I consider myself a writer before anything else. Another thing I've done my entire life. But I think I need to write publicly again, even if no one reads it.

I read a book last year about temporal lobe epilepsy, the type of seizures I have on occasion. A direct quote was, "They may also develop compulsive writing or unusually intense artistic or musical passion," and I just stopped short, because I had never seen a better summary of myself as a person. I have always written because I need to. When I want to write something (in my journal, in a Word document, on a random scrap of paper, in my phone because it's all I have) I have to do it or I can't sleep and I can't think about anything else until it's done. (Let alone this intense musical passion... Haha.)

Hmm, perhaps it's time to get around to that new-blog thing I've been planning to do.

maybe you're hoping for a fairytale too